ANYWAYS-- since my last blog a lot of things have changed. for one, i now live across the street in villa del puente. that's right, after TWO MONTHS rather than the TWO DAYS they said it was going to be, i finally have a permanent room. it was perfect timing as well because one week after that last blog i got into it w/ scott and haven't talked to him since. i claimed he was a jerk, he claimed i was an alcoholic and that was a hell of a lot of fun... even though i fucking helped him put his socks and shoes on in order to LEAVE me there w/ a couple of drunk boys in his room... yeah... it was not fun AT ALL. i shouldn't have freaked out as much as i had but i was quite drunk and then getting sick and by 3 30 AM VERY tired and... i snapped and left him a vmail and a text that apparently were pretty bad. i don't remember exactly what i even said. but it was enough for him to stop talking to me... and not forgive me when i apologized. but it was all good cuz he's pretty much good for nothin, which i already knew. =) well, that is until around 2 30 AM one of the days this week he IMed me something about "so are we just never gonna talk ever again?" and i told him i had no clue, it was his deal about not talking to me and he has mono and... it was just some weird-ass conversation and that was that. so i guess next time i see him on campus i don't have to pretend i don't see him and just keep on smilin' and laughin' w/out acknowledging his existence... hahaha...
so i did go home last weekend. wow that was... interesting. fought w/ robin pretty much the whole time. so that really really really blew big time. got to party a lil' bit though on friday... that was cool getting to see my friends and shit. but goign back home reminded me why i left, and why i was depressed. since i got here i have completely weaned myself off of the lexapro and have not taken a single dose for probably a month now. it's amazing and absolutely empowering to think that i'm finally "me." even though i don't like "me" sometimes.... especially since i still do have depression and am always fearful of "the drop" and how high up i get sometimes and.... but also, having bipolar tendencies in my depression probably is what keeps me going... i know that sooner or later i'm gonna have to go back to the other pole right? hahaha... okay, maybe not such a laughing matter when i can't get my ass outta bed because i feel so worthless and alone and like living isn't worth it and even dying is too much work... but also the politics of naselle... like when i went to the adna tournament on that saturday... i got sooooooooo depressed. everything from my life in naselle was brought back in an instant. damn people. this fucking family can't get it together. and it's not even mine. but why do they fucking have to blame everyone else, and fuck up everyone else's life just so they can try to feel superior? it's not our fault they were never educated and therefore feel inferior to teachers and the whole masses that are ahead of them... fuck them and i wish them nothing but the shit hole of pessimistic blindness they've thrown themselves in. but ANYWAYS... it was nice to see my friends. i LOVE you guys and MISS y'all SOOOOOO much!!! =( but being back in my house w/ the fightin massses wasn't fun either... what am i gonna do when i'm home for winter break in 6 weeks!?!?! ugh... gonna drink myself into a stuper probably... or maybe two weeks prior to going start back on the lexapro... ick. i have no idea. we'll just see what happens. but also, robin might have to live w/ me then too... we'll see how THAT situation goes. he did stay at my house this last weekend. boy was that weird when i walket din the house around 2 AM drunk and having just kissed carl... =) yeah, i'm a ho. but not as much of a ho as carl... =P just ask him... HAHAHAA!!!
let's see... what else... well, my nextdoor neighbors kick ass... love them to DEATH. went out last nite w/ them and had a blast. yup, i got drunk and didn't end the night crying on the phone w/ robin. how's that for a good nite. and seriously guys? cheezy fries from the cellar are the fucking SHIT. wow... but i love 'em to death and all that good stuff... even though i miss eshawn like crazy. cuz my new roommate is never here. i might as well just have a room to myself. so taht's nice in a way. but hella lonely sometimes. then agian, it does tend to push me to get out of here. but i ALSO have a piano in this dorm. and i haven't really played in over 2 months now and have an audition on tuesday... how great is that? not really... cept that i am hopefully gonna get a piano class. =) YAY! the only thing that sucks about this absolutely beautiful and clean and nice new dorm are the snotty people in it and the fact that it's hella quiet most of the time. that sucks but it's easy enough to deal with i suppose.
hmmm..... what else? so much probably but my head fucking hurts. yeah... i'm sick again. how stupid is that? probably just the allergies/the switch back into dry from going to the washignton wet and... that's always done me in. but it's been a week since i went back home so... i have no idea. but i did get back only 5 days ago but... still... it fucking sucks.
but honestly guys? life isn't that bad. that last blog woudl make ya think otherwise but i was soooo drunk and upset when i wrote it... and later on i was able to just up and tell hayley what a selfish little girl i think she is and she wanted to cry... and i dind'te even YELL at her or anything. just looked at her and said it and even asked her if she thought i was wrong... i got NO argument... strange... but it was nice to be right for once... haha... but life down here is hella nice... this week was hella weird but really good. i ran into so many people and did some hella cool stuff... school sucks... man does school sucks. but that goes for anytime anywhere right? i just need to really buckle down these last 6 weeks of school... isn't that hella wekrd though!?!?! 6 weeks till finals. scary though as well... AAAAHHHH!!!!! but i haven't gotten homesick. not even once. sometimes i feel hella lonely down here but i don't ever just wanna up and go back home. and especially after being home i don't think i want to. i'm just really hoping i can live w/ sheena this summer... that'd make things a lil' easier.
although no vball... i know. it's fucking weird to not play sports. i don't have my outlet... nor my way to keep off this damn keg i'm building. so that's depressing. but also, everytime i start getting back into running, i get sick again. so THAT sucks. but the vball thing fell through cuz intramurals here kinda suck... oh well. next year I'LL hop on the ball and get something started. hopefully by then i'll know some more people that aren't the athletes ON actual UA teams that will have time for this stuff... it's just that the people i know who would be interested already play on teams like... track kids and the club boys vball and the whatnot. it SUCKS. oh well. as i expand my circle i should meet more people. but next semester i should be on a softball team. i'm already lookin' for peeps!!! and i have at least 3 right now... it's actually andrew who asked me and invited me and all that isht so THANK YOU ANDREW! i think that's it for now though.... i'm gonna lay down now and try to get rid of this fucking head cold or whatever... life here is great and life in general is okay.... i'm still lonely w/out a boy to cuddle w/ and my bestfriends from home who weren't really people i always got along w/ but... you don't get alone w/ people who are essentially your brothers and sisters. it's so hard to do because you're so close. i absolutely have no idea how i'll create better "friends" than waht i had in naselle... i mean, those people i knew anywhere from 1 year to 15 years. how in the hell do you compete w/ the people you'v eknow for more than 5 years anyways? we'll jsut have to see. so this is me peacing out and hoping i can get some sleep tonite so i can do the homework that fills my whiteborad and then go out... though it seem slike most of the parties are tonite... =( oh well. maybe i'll just be able to find someone to chill and watch movies w/. who knows?
~peace out life is GREAT! =)