Mina (marbled_clouds) wrote in unquiet,
Mina
marbled_clouds
unquiet

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Hi

I was not sure this community was in much use from the looks of things, but here goes.

I have type I bipolar disorder, and when my moods get out of wack for real, they generally spiral out of control and wreak havoc on every aspect of my being. For this reason, I'm told never, ever, never to go off medication unsupervised.

Oftentimes, however, I'll end up not refilling in time because I'm irresponsible that way and I'll let myself go up to a week without a primary medication I'm supposed to be taking.

This time, I had been seeing a much older man, which my few friends think is very bad for me. I stopped seeing him for a while but ended up posting sex personals on CraigsList :-x...I'm very bad. We won't describe what happened next. Then yesterday I got in a period of self loathing... and boom, I whipped out the kitchen knife which I hadn't done in years... but I did...
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when did you stop taking your meds? before or after you stopped seeing the older man?

this is my first time posting anything, so i'm a little scared to give you advice but...
it sounds like you are in a cycle that is only going to get worse. have you told your dr. or therapist about any of tis stuff...about the knife?
regardless, they probably would say what i'm about to say--that you need to go back on your meds and take them regularly. I KNOW how obnoxious it is to have people telling you that like it's the miracle that's going to save you. i have stopped taking my meds on a few occasions and then finally gave in and started up again...and really, though it might not make you "all better", i think things have calmed down for me a little after starting back on the regimine.
whether or not meds are worth it in the end? who knows. but the impulsive act of stopping your medication, listing yourself in the sex personals, and harming yourself--these actions show that whatever you are doing right now isn't working.
the most imporant thing is be honest with your treatment providers, and let them help you.

hope this makes sense.
(btw, if you couldn't tell, i totally relate to your post)
I'm afraid to tell them because I've gone off so many times that they've considered conservatorship just to keep me on them. I don't want my freedoms to be taken away.

My mother is on conservatorship for a different reason, and I narrowly averted it myself.
Last night I contacted the crisis team at the hospital. They do like an emergency support thing and just provide someone to talk to. I'm supposed to call back today.

I told my therapist about all the things except going off meds. I don't know why I don't tell her that, because I know it's the most important part.

It also started out that when I was being reduced on one and introduced to another, I didn't get the instructions straight. I called the office and someone answered but never got back to me. I tried to get back to them, but I think I started spiraling out of control at that point.

ugh, nasty situation.
if you're worried about the conservatorship thing (which definitely would suck), you can always just start taking them again on your own.
i think contacting the crisis team is a really good step, keep it up. maybe they can help you sort out the meds anonymously or something.
(i don't know. for some reason i am like compulsively honest with my therapist and can't get away with it for long cuz i feel so guilty--but that's all part of my ocd anyways.)
have you considered the hospital? i know that's like the kiss of death, but it really saved my life once.
I did end up telling my therapist what happened, and she said I showed somewhat that I needed someone to monitor my meds... I think there is a possibility I could fix it.

And I was in the hospital last year.... it was very costly, as my insurance didn't cover everything. I would rather not go there again if I can avoid it...