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Hi [06 Feb 2009|10:22pm]

[ mood | cold ]

Name: Neesha
Age: 22
Gender Identity: Female
Sexual Orientation: Bisexual
Diagnoses: currently --> bipolar and bulimia, past ---> borderline and major depression also....I'm getting a second opinion soon my current doctor doesn't believe personality disorders exist....therefore I can't have one
Interests: art, art history, european history, uranium depletion babies, LBGT issues, stupid fan fiction, porn, painting, mixed media, wasting time 

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I side with the binge drinkers. [06 Feb 2009|04:04pm]
Name: Lena
Age: 20
Gender Identity: Female
Sexual Orientation: Asexual
Diagnoses: Major depression, borderline personality disorder (in remission), atypical anorexia nervosa.
Interests: poetry, spoken word, autobiographies, reading, writing, existentialism, abnormal psychology, history, mythology, taxidermy, photography, astronomy, herbology, shamanism, fasting, languages.

Everyone is welcome to add me.
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[06 Aug 2007|09:52pm]

Friends, we invite you in international community of retaliatory psychiatry. It exists for consideration mental destructions, negative influences on mentality and other... You can leave messages on any (Russian, English, German, French, etc.) language. P.S. We are sorry for possible incorrect translation. All claims to the Online-translator;) Thanks for attention.
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[06 Aug 2007|11:12am]

Hi, I'm new here. I'm 21 years old and from Boston. I've been diagnosed as having not only bipolar disorder type II rapid cycling, but antisocial personality disorder and borderline personality disorder as well.

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wow - so unquietly quiet [18 Jun 2007|08:03am]

[ mood | creative ]

For unquiet minds, we sure are quiet. 

I'll make up a poem on the spot.  If it comes out triggering, I'll put it under a cut.  It's just for entertainment's sake since it's so darned QUIET.

~ ~

Cue the music.
Since the rain is falling, nevermind.
No music needed here.
Since the clay is molding, nevermind.
No structure needed here.

Cue the actors.  Set the stage.
Stagehands set, all systems go.
I'm waiting. . . but no one's coming.
Since I'm alone, nevermind.
No actors needed here.

Cue the talkers.  The script's been written. 
Where are they?  Who will talk and speak the lines?
Since it's all quiet, nevermind.
No talkers needed here.

Cue the silence.  Don't break it.
Glass-like, shatters.  Steal-like, unbroken.
Since it's all I've got, nevermind.
Nothing needed here.

~ ~

Not bad at all.  Not triggering, so I'll leave it.  ~

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[18 Mar 2007|09:51pm]
[ mood | scared ]

i haven't been here in awhile
the rooms stand empty
i walk the halls
my footsteps echo
tracing the walls with my fingertips
i feel the cold
the damp that has seeped in
this is a familiar place
the towers
small windows at the top
none on the bottom
the surrounding darkness
the drawbridge
the moat
i lived here
l moved and went somewhere else
now i've returned
this is my castle
these are my walls
this is my home
and i have come back
to hide again

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Blah [11 Mar 2007|12:32pm]

[ mood | *brain fart* ]

I'm crazy.

[add a comment]

Hi [11 Mar 2007|09:23am]

[ mood | morose ]

I was not sure this community was in much use from the looks of things, but here goes.

I have type I bipolar disorder, and when my moods get out of wack for real, they generally spiral out of control and wreak havoc on every aspect of my being. For this reason, I'm told never, ever, never to go off medication unsupervised.

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all over again [02 Oct 2006|11:47pm]

[ mood | scared ]

so a year ago i decided to get off my meds. and i did.

and i desperately wanted to be ok. and mostly, i was.

but now? i'm absolutely drowning. i have no perception of emotion in or out of myself.

but meds? they absolutely scare me. they make me not so me... at least that's how i began to feel about them.

i just need to think that they just might be able to give me a chance to get better.

because school, work, and relationships are beginning to fail... that's when i know it's time to finally see someone again.

but seeing someone means i just might need to go on meds again. and i'm so terrified of not feeling...

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[15 Sep 2006|10:10am]
the words in my head
they tumble
and jumble
and fall all over
each other
my heart pounds
and my blood
it races
i tingle
and afraid to speak
the words that come
from my mouth
are not
my own
in my head
is chaos
thoughts collide
emotions run rampant
grabbing one
or another
is akin
to catching
a greased pig
i cannot do this
i cry
from frustration
and confusion
i cry
because i can
nothing else
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[30 Jun 2006|04:33am]

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Restlessness: [15 Apr 2006|02:17am]

[ mood | restless ]

My latest blogCollapse )

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Not necessarily related to "depression" but... [20 Mar 2006|08:05pm]

[ mood | confused ]

I know that this isn't essentially entirely a "depression related topic." However, it somewhat is for me as each of my relationships has resulted of and evolved during the different stages of my depression whether it be as I was sinking lower, staying low, attempting to come back up, being up, falling back down... and the many other stages related with depression. But here is my question, hopefully without giving an entire messed-up background I can get some advice on it... Love is hard enough but to mix depression adds to it... Even later on when depression has subsided and we wish we could have trusted what we felt long ago......

Trusting a Depressed MindCollapse )

Anyone, Anyone, Anyone have ANY advice?

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[01 Mar 2006|04:21pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

old thoughts come into play
not into play
into the mind
where they don't belong
thoughts of pain and sorrow
run with their companions
anxiety and depression
i've been away from the edge of the abyss
it stares at you
it lures
wanting you to come closer
i've away and on the other side
i've been someone else
someone new
someone not like this anymore
it all comes back
like riding a bike
the overwhelming heaviness of it all
bears down upon me again
and again
and again
struggling under the weight
i so badly want to sit
to sleep this off
to wake and find it gone
smothering my mind
i cannot think clearly
it wells up inside
it becomes too much
a scream is just around the corner
i've been hanging on all this time
but now
now i fear
i am losing my grip
the weight pulls me down
i am barely holding on
my strength is fading
and i want to let go


[add a comment]

i hate when this happens [31 Dec 2005|08:54am]
this morning's dream:

i am at a house down the street near the bowling alley...there are several people in the house - most are friends...children running around, lots of food, beverages, what nots and a couple of dogs...the celebration is my birthday and at first i am fine with it...but then it becomes too much for me to handle, and i want to leave...i still want the party to continue, but i don't want to be there anymore...i hear someone say a couple of people are coming to play some live music and i want to be gone before they arrive...someone brings out the cake with a bunch of candles and everyone sings as i blow out the candles...the anxiety is overwhelming now, so i get up and literally walk out he front's sunny and bright outside and i want to run and hide...i walk along the side of the house and look for a place when i see more people arrive with food and ice cream...a couple of young girls come up to me and smile, then go off to a nearby park and play...i walk around the house only to discover the side door is another entrance to the house and people can see me...i walk around a monster truck in the driveway and just stand there, hoping not to be found...i hear singing and the musicians are sitting in the front yard playing and singing...
i have nowhere to go...
then i woke up...
[add a comment]

[13 Dec 2005|09:05pm]
i've been on medication to treat this bipolar/borderline personality disorder thing going on...also in therapy for it...i've been feeling incredibly stable for quite awhile now...still...i often think - or rather, am afraid that some day down the road - what if i lose my mind? i've been on the verge of exactly that many a time in the's scary...i don't want to go there again...i try to keep those thoughts at arm's length...yet it haunts me...
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[17 Nov 2005|11:56am]
i struggle
to keep at bay
the thoughts
the feelings
that want to take-over
it is
an ongoing battle
and it tires me
[add a comment]

and she falls again... [31 Oct 2005|10:51pm]

[ mood | hopeless ]

i hate this. this feeling. it's here again. hopeless, alone, and just plain shitty... and i can't do anything about it. and why am i upset? i go up and down again... but i can't start back on those damn meds, i can't go back to those doctors, i have to do it by myself. and there it is: me alone. what do i do? i'm sitting here and wishing i wasn't. i wish people wanted to spend time with ME. wanted to seek ME out and hang out wiht ME. selfish? so what? everyone wants to be around other people and to be wanted and loved and sought out and... but i'm not. i put on the happy face, i smile, i do everything right... and nothing. it's just so damn hard. at least when i was home and in my room by myself or laying on the couch, there were people all around me. even if they are people i cannot stand and have run away from... and when i went to school the next day i was surrounded by people who i know and who knew me and we had fun. who cares how much i may have hated them or how much they may have hated me. the surface was awesome and we never had to get any deeper than taht sometimes and that's okay sometimes. maybe i jus thad to realize that... god life sucks right now......... i need to finish this spanish and take a deep breath and.... i don't fucking know. i need someone to cheer me up. or someone to come to me w/ their problems so i don't have to think about mine. i can't believe that i sit here jealous as fuck because of someone i say i don't want. it's probably because i want him. you'd think, right? i've nowhere to turn, no one to turn to, i'm so fucking alone... i have homework to do and i should fucking do it but all i really want to do is continue crying and lay in bed and just sleep it all away. sleep till it's all gone and someone wants me that i know i want. that i know i'm not gonna get "stuck" with. someone i don't feel "stuck" with... someone i'm not scared of... this feeling of being alone never leaves me. this feeling of sadness never goes away. and internally, i never stop crying... it's just that now, it's leaking to the surface...

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life isn't as bad as i've made it out to be... [29 Oct 2005|05:46pm]

[ mood | optimistic ]

so it's been a few weeks... a lot has happened since then. heck, at one point i even wrote a really long-ass blog (i think this was about 2 weeks ago) describing all that had happened but y'all know how myspace goes and sometimes it just stops working... well, i went to hit post and myspace stopped working and even hitting "back" just didn't do the trick. so all was lost. it's okay though, i blogged everything out of my system and started to feel a lil' bit better.

ANYWAYS-- lots of changesCollapse )

so i did go home last weekend. wow that was... interesting. fought w/ robin pretty much the whole time. so that really really really blew big time. got to party a lil' bit though on friday... that was cool getting to see my friends and shit. but goign back home reminded me why i left, and why i was depressed. since i got here i have completely weaned myself off of the lexapro and have not taken a single dose for probably a month now. it's amazing and absolutely empowering to think that i'm finally "me." even though i don't like "me" sometimes.... especially since i still do have depression and am always fearful of "the drop" and how high up i get sometimes and.... but also, having bipolar tendencies in my depression probably is what keeps me going... i know that sooner or later i'm gonna have to go back to the other pole right? hahaha... okay, maybe not such a laughing matter when i can't get my ass outta bed because i feel so worthless and alone and like living isn't worth it and even dying is too much work... but also the politics of naselle... like when i went to the adna tournament on that saturday... i got sooooooooo depressed. everything from my life in naselle was brought back in an instant. damn people. this fucking family can't get it together. and it's not even mine. but why do they fucking have to blame everyone else, and fuck up everyone else's life just so they can try to feel superior? it's not our fault they were never educated and therefore feel inferior to teachers and the whole masses that are ahead of them... fuck them and i wish them nothing but the shit hole of pessimistic blindness they've thrown themselves in. but ANYWAYS... it was nice to see my friends. i LOVE you guys and MISS y'all SOOOOOO much!!! =( but being back in my house w/ the fightin massses wasn't fun either... what am i gonna do when i'm home for winter break in 6 weeks!?!?! ugh... gonna drink myself into a stuper probably... or maybe two weeks prior to going start back on the lexapro... ick. i have no idea. we'll just see what happens. but also, robin might have to live w/ me then too... we'll see how THAT situation goes. he did stay at my house this last weekend. boy was that weird when i walket din the house around 2 AM drunk and having just kissed carl... =) yeah, i'm a ho. but not as much of a ho as carl... =P just ask him... HAHAHAA!!!

the new dormCollapse )

hmmm..... what else? so much probably but my head fucking hurts. yeah... i'm sick again. how stupid is that? probably just the allergies/the switch back into dry from going to the washignton wet and... that's always done me in. but it's been a week since i went back home so... i have no idea. but i did get back only 5 days ago but... still... it fucking sucks.

but honestly guys? life isn't that bad. that last blog woudl make ya think otherwise but i was soooo drunk and upset when i wrote it... and later on i was able to just up and tell hayley what a selfish little girl i think she is and she wanted to cry... and i dind'te even YELL at her or anything. just looked at her and said it and even asked her if she thought i was wrong... i got NO argument... strange... but it was nice to be right for once... haha... but life down here is hella nice... this week was hella weird but really good. i ran into so many people and did some hella cool stuff... school sucks... man does school sucks. but that goes for anytime anywhere right? i just need to really buckle down these last 6 weeks of school... isn't that hella wekrd though!?!?! 6 weeks till finals. scary though as well... AAAAHHHH!!!!! but i haven't gotten homesick. not even once. sometimes i feel hella lonely down here but i don't ever just wanna up and go back home. and especially after being home i don't think i want to. i'm just really hoping i can live w/ sheena this summer... that'd make things a lil' easier.

some changes, good and bad... and i'm learning to dealCollapse )

~peace out life is GREAT! =)

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[19 Oct 2005|12:41am]

[ mood | crazy ]

i love this community.. check it out.

("This community is for drug addicts/alcoholics with an eating disorder")

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