ktbabe3724 (ktbabe3724) wrote in unquiet,

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and she falls again...

i hate this. this feeling. it's here again. hopeless, alone, and just plain shitty... and i can't do anything about it. and why am i upset? i go up and down again... but i can't start back on those damn meds, i can't go back to those doctors, i have to do it by myself. and there it is: me alone. what do i do? i'm sitting here and wishing i wasn't. i wish people wanted to spend time with ME. wanted to seek ME out and hang out wiht ME. selfish? so what? everyone wants to be around other people and to be wanted and loved and sought out and... but i'm not. i put on the happy face, i smile, i do everything right... and nothing. it's just so damn hard. at least when i was home and in my room by myself or laying on the couch, there were people all around me. even if they are people i cannot stand and have run away from... and when i went to school the next day i was surrounded by people who i know and who knew me and we had fun. who cares how much i may have hated them or how much they may have hated me. the surface was awesome and we never had to get any deeper than taht sometimes and that's okay sometimes. maybe i jus thad to realize that... god life sucks right now......... i need to finish this spanish and take a deep breath and.... i don't fucking know. i need someone to cheer me up. or someone to come to me w/ their problems so i don't have to think about mine. i can't believe that i sit here jealous as fuck because of someone i say i don't want. it's probably because i want him. you'd think, right? i've nowhere to turn, no one to turn to, i'm so fucking alone... i have homework to do and i should fucking do it but all i really want to do is continue crying and lay in bed and just sleep it all away. sleep till it's all gone and someone wants me that i know i want. that i know i'm not gonna get "stuck" with. someone i don't feel "stuck" with... someone i'm not scared of... this feeling of being alone never leaves me. this feeling of sadness never goes away. and internally, i never stop crying... it's just that now, it's leaking to the surface...
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